There was a time that I wanted to publish something, go viral, or somehow have my voice heard by many people. To reach out with the care I have, the knowledge I have, and share it.
I thought maybe creating something could support me; for once, not worry about every penny I spend. Now all I can think is "why bother?" nothing is what it seems, I'm probably better off being a nobody. Even a 2-minute video loses people's attention, and if I put time into creating something that I'm proud of, there will still always be haters. Always. No matter how hard I try. I used to hate the thought of that, but it feels like the key to my freedom now. Letting go has helped me feel richer than ever, more empowered than ever, and more secure than ever.
When my dad started having health issues I had to get really close to the fear of losing him, and it made me want to cherish every moment I had with him. This guy matters to me, and I'm going to miss everything about him, even the things that drive me nuts.
Then I think that I'm someone in his life, and other people's lives, that might hold a similar place. I'm tearing up just writing that sentence. It moves me to think that someone might cherish me, sometimes I feel like it's hard to believe. Being fully myself, being present in my life, this is what it's all about. It helps me feel grounded to remind myself of that. I get distracted, things are moving so quickly, everything is a lot of work, and some stuff is downright scary. There's an argument against every possible way to cope, yet somehow we have to.
Now when I'm cooking something particularly wonderful, I'm no longer wondering how to "share" it with a post to the internet. I used to get so excited about taking a little video, adding a little sticker or caption, and sharing my creativity. Now, if I see something beautiful and want to take a photo or video, it's just for me. I know that I've been a person to do things "for" others, and it's permeated a lot of aspects of my life - positive and negative. I'm also someone who will never stop giving to others, doing for others, being there with my contribution. I'm becoming more aware of my need to do things that are just for me.
My mom likes to listen to meditations in the morning, and she shared one with me about zooming out from myself to the galaxy. That visual only took a minute or less, and the feeling was reassuring. In my mind after zooming out, I zoom back in on what a strange miracle it is that I exist, and I look around to my family, pets, friends, and home with wonder, feeling "big" in my own life. That feeling is empowering, it makes me want to live well - whatever that means.
For some reason, I'm feeling especially comforted by my insignificance. I learned about the power of words from a coach, and thinking about insignificance immediately made me split the word in half: in-significance. That's how I feel. I'm in my significance.
For years I've wanted to share songs here. I have songs that I feel like I have a relationship with because I play them on repeat during certain times of my life. Then, songs are tied to those memories and become part of the story. I want to share songs that mean something to me while they're helping me get through life, and also the songs and stories from my past.
Why? Because I want to, and I kind of hope no one sees - but if you do, I hope it helps you too.
Today I want to share this one - "I Release Control" by Alexa Sunshine Rose
I play this song when I’m scared, excited, or when the stakes are high. I play it when I'm in pain, sad, or when I feel lost. This song is so grounding for me, it's like a tool I pull out when I know I really need support. I like to take a deep breath and sometimes speak or sing along.
The words:
I release control, and surrender to the flow
Of love, that will heal me.
This song repeats for SEVEN MINUTES - the same simple lyrics, like a mantra. I can type them here from memory, and this will probably be the only time that is possible. I love lyrics and will always include them when I can.